And what makes YOU feel submissive?

Photo by Soroush golpoor on Unsplash

I've had the opportunity to engage with the kink community at a much more personal level in the past few weeks thanks to Dominant Discourse's new Discord server. This isn't a plug by the way, although you are welcome to join here. It's completely free and requires no knowledge of kink. Feel free to contact us for a link to join if you'd like!

Either way, I've had the pleasure of meeting other submissives (shoutout to the people on our server! Y'all are AWESOME), and I've quickly learned that people experience Dominance and submission quite differently from one another. I've always assumed that "a submissive serves, a Dom orders" because that's how my kinky household works. I'm very glad to say my view has expanded and I'd like to enhance your understanding of submission types as well, dear reader!

Side tangent: I'm not necessarily referring to "types of submission" like slavehood, puppy play, little, etc. This is an article about how some people may feel their submission and what they do in that state. Types of submission can be a whole topic for another day.

"What makes you feel your submission?" was a question that was posed in our Discord that inspired this article, and I'd love for any submissives out there to really think about what that answer might be. If you're up for it, I'd suggest presenting your answers to your Dominant (or Doms, suggest your submissive does so)! It can be incredibly insightful for both parties to understand how to get into the states you so desire. For those Domless subs out there, don't fret. This could be a great exercise into figuring out what type of Dominant you would like and even potentially help you build rituals to get yourself in subspace for those who are self-collared. Aka, a long spiel to say this is really important to consider! Hopefully this article will give you the verbiage to say "Hey, this is what I like!" and "wow, I would hate that. No thanks."

Before We Begin:

Before you figure out how you feel submissive, it's good to ask yourself: what does submission feel like to you? This can be a trickier question than you might first realize, and here's the thing: there is no one right answer. I feel my submission incredibly physically. It's located in my chest and upper stomach. My thoughts slow, my worries slip away, and usually, there's a feeling of deep relaxation and intimidation that comes along with it. Hell, you might feel submission differently depending on what you're doing, the mood you're in, or the last thing you ate for dinner. Everyone's answer is a bit different, and it's okay if you don't have the exact words, for you more abstract-minded folks. Just picture yourself in that state and try to be present with that feeling. Once you're aware of it, you'll be able to pinpoint much more easily what makes you feel submissive in the first place.

Also, here comes another difficult exercise. Try not to think about what you think should bring you submission. I have seen many submissives assume a lot about what brings them to that state based on their personal beliefs, self-perception, and other assumptions that ended up being completely false. Try your best to put your biases aside and really consider what brings you to that potentially vulnerable place. There is absolutely no judgment on what gets you going.

You also should go into this distinguishing what is something you like versus what brings you submission. I would love to eat a slice of cake, but no matter how savory and sweet it is, it doesn't bring me to a submissive state to gobble down a slice of chocolate cake. Mmm cake.

ALSO ALSO ALSO! This is the last one, I promise. This is an article intended for submissives to ponder on. As much as I'm sure some of y'all would love to say, "What brings me submission is whatever my Dominant wants!" I can guarantee that most Dominants would not like that answer. You have preferences as a human being (or however your kinky peeps identify in this headspace, that's exactly my point). It's important to share what you truly like with your Dominant so they can have a better understanding of how to get you in the state you both oh so desire.

Don't worry, Dominants, we'll have one coming up for you to reflect on too.

Let's make this a little game to help you figure out your own submission (if you want to participate, of course)! Take out a notebook or open a document on your computer, notes app, whatever is best for you, and respond to anything that's written in bold below.

We also have this entire questionnaire available, neatly formatted for printing purposes, available for purchase on the Patreon version of this article. It is absolutely NOT required to follow along with this article. We wanted to give a resource that some folks may prefer using instead of jotting notes down on the side. We also have other resources and early articles there for those who want to support our work!

1. Service Submission

Service is probably what most people lean towards when they think about what makes a submissive a submissive. While this is NOT ALWAYS THE CASE (as I have recently found out), it is a common way submissives feel…well… submissive (I need to find another way to write these out).

Service-based submission in and of itself can be multi-faceted. *The type of service-based submission you prefer is:

1. A direct command given by your Dominant followed by you executing said command, then waiting for another

2. A list handed to you at the beginning of the day of all the tasks you must complete, then a check-in of the tasks at the end of the day (replace time period as needed: hours, weeks, a month, etc.)

3. A list of tasks you create and get "approved" by your Dominant

4. An overall understanding of your responsibilities and trust from your Dominant that you'll get it done without much interference

5. None of the above (Feel free to write your own response)

The answer could be a mixture of these or nothing at all. I've met submissives who enjoy serving their Dominant but don't actually get that subby feeling by doing so. I've also encountered others that just don't serve their Dom at all. Different strokes for different folks or something like that.

There's also a decent chance that only certain tasks/commands get you in that subby mindset. I don't exactly feel submissive when I'm taking out the trash, despite that being a responsibility given to me by my Master.

• The tasks that make me feel the most submissive are:*** __________ (jot down as many as you'd like).

2. Rule-Following Submission

This one is relatively self-explanatory. Adhering to a strict set of rules, guidelines, and rituals is a great way to bring out those subby feelings. This is especially prevalent in neurodivergent submissives, like myself, who thrive in structure. Rules can cover a plethora of areas, such as only being allowed to have two cookies a day or being required to kneel for your Dominant each morning. Despite how good that third cookie may be, knowing you're following your Dominant by obeying their rules versus giving in to your urges can absolutely give you that subspace rush.

• When my Dominant gives me rules to follow, I feel ______.
• The rules I currently have that make me feel the most submissive are ____.
• Rules that I know would bring me more submission include ____.

(Feel free to ignore these questions if rules don't tingle your sub-fancy. Yes. I also hated the way I phrased that. I apologize.)

You could also get a kick out of breaking those rules (Brats, I see you. Don't worry, your time will come). Maybe it's not the rules themselves that get you, but the consequences of breaking said rules. Do you get a rush of submission when your Dominant is mad at you when you purposefully don't do as told?

It also doesn't have to be purposeful. I definitely feel extra submissive when I receive a consequence, even though I HATE breaking rules and disobeying my Master. Like I said, keep in mind what actively brings you submission, not what you feel is supposed to!

3. Caregiving Submission

Caregiving submission is relatively close to service-based submission; however, I feel that this has a more nurturing connotation than "following commands/completing tasks." Caregiving is much more intimate and loving, a feeling of "I will make sure all your needs are met and provide you with comfort." It's often associated with Dominants (think of the CGL community), yet that doesn't mean submissives can't be the caregivers. Aidan's other submissive, Saph, is the queen of being a wonderful caretaker. I feel that it's much more offer-based than service submission. For instance, instead of being instructed to, you actively offer and cherish the moment of massaging your Dominant's back after they had a long day. There's an association with softness and comfort, and it gives the Dominant a moment to be vulnerable with their submissive while staying in control.

I also feel it's important to note that all submissives, regardless of gender, can enjoy caregiving submission.

• I enjoy caretaking submission because:

1. I actively love seeing my Dominant feel cherished and taking care of their needs

2. I enjoy feeling like a parental figure without the Domination that comes with it

3. A more nurturing style of submission fits within my personality and is where I'm most comfortable

4. Actually, I don't think I feel submission when I'm in a caretaker mood, or I don't feel like I'm a caretaker at all

• ______ are some examples of ways I can take care of my Dominant that bring me into subspace.

4. Care-receiving Submission

Shoutout to all the littles out there, but you absolutely don't need to age regress to feel submissive from receiving care. This time, the Dominant is the caretaker. Now, how you enjoy being taken care of can literally be anything: being reminded to eat, being bathed, spoiled with gifts, worshipped and praised, even sexually (although we'll get more into that).

Being in a space where you actively give up responsibility and allow yourself to be free of societal worries can be incredibly submission-inducing for some folks. That's why it's important to remember not all submission looks the same.

• When my Dom does ____ for me, I feel submissive.
• When I don't have to worry about* ____, that's when I fall into subspace.

(Once again, feel free to skip questions that don't apply to you.)

• I feel the most praised by my Dom when they say ________.

5. Feeling Owned

Ohh this one is one of my favorites and can be applied to a few of the categories as well. This can be spun in multiple ways, from another form of worship or the exact opposite, degradation.

• I feel subby and owned when I feel like:

1. Prized possession/trophy

2. A piece of property

3. An object (a toy, a piece of furniture, a puppet, etc.)

4. A slave/servant

5. A tamed animal

6. I belong to someone

7. Other: ____

You can absolutely circle more than one if you're following along. Ownership is often a large part of BDSM relationships (think collars, branding, loss of control). The way in which a Dominant claims ownership can be part of the experience too. For instance, in primal play, a large appeal is being "forced" down into submission and being claimed in that way. Slaves, meanwhile, may enjoy viewing themselves as the Dominant's property and having that just be a constant reminder in their daily lives. It doesn't have to be in a degrading way either. Maybe you get a kick out of your Dom saying "Wow, my submissive is so wonderful. I can't believe they're all mine. I can't help but brag to others about how lucky I am to have this person as my submissive."

• When my Dominant tells me: "____," I feel owned.

6. Degradation

Degradation in an objectifying way can absolutely be a part of feeling owned, but I would argue it can be a whole separate category as well. Being put down can absolutely make someone feel submissive (I'm someone). While I won't provide examples here because things can get pretty intense, I'm sure if you're on this site, you have a relative idea as to what this one means.

It can also be much more physical too, not just verbal. Sleeping on the ground instead of the bed, being forced to take cold showers, or doing something that may gross you out are only a few examples of ways to feel degraded.

• I feel submissive when my Dom degrades me by saying: "____."
• When my Dominant did ____ to me, I felt degraded and submissive.

7. Physical Sensations

Submission can be a very bodily experience, so it only makes sense that certain senses can activate your subspace. Once again, this is such a wide category that I can't truly cover it all. I feel that physicality in submission warrants a whole separate article (Hint hint)! Instead of going through a bunch of potential scenarios like I usually do, I'm going to create a checklist here. Check all the boxes that apply to you, circle any examples that apply to you, and expand upon them as you'd like:

• A physical sensation that brings me submission is:

Touch-based:

• Pain (whipping, spanking, clothespins, etc.)
• Pleasure (sexual touching, orgasms, edging)
• Gentle touch (head pets, massages, holding)
• Harsh touch (fondling, grabbing, squeezing, pushing)
• Overstimulation (cold, heat, tickling)
• Other: _____

Visuals:

• Looks control (controlling clothing, hairstyles, uniforms, gear)
• Dominant-centric (seeing your Dom, looking at photos, genitalia)
• Stripping of vision (blindfolds)
• Focus requirement (spirals, porn or lack thereof, readings)

Movement:

• Restraints (bondage, cuffs, cages)
• Predicaments (tip toes, uncomfortable situations)
• Workout control
• Restrictions (only crawling, cannot leave room, etc.)

Scent:

• Scent of Dominant (sexual, BO, cologne/perfume)
• Specific smells
• Scent association

Sound:

• Trance induced (Mantras, hypnosis)
• Certain tones/Dom's Voice
• Bells, clickers, training tools

Misc:

• Sensory Deprivation
• Taste of Dominant ;)
• Food control, eating
• Muscle soreness, out of breath
• I feel submissive when my Dominant uses ____ on me (can be toy, flogger, whip, bondage item, etc.).
• ____ article of clothing/gear brings me submission.
• I actively lose subspace when my Dom does ____ to me.

8. Gender Expression

Now I'll start this one off by saying this has absolutely nothing to do with gender identity. You can be a submissive no matter how you identify. One of my biggest submissive "icks" is when people associate submission with "femininity" and "weakness" (submission is not inherently feminine, and femininity is NOT weakness. If you genuinely believe that, you're in the wrong place on the internet).

It is worth noting that some people like to express their submission in a way that may align with a specific gender expression, or on the contrary, lack one entirely. This could mean really diving deep into an expression they already align with (himbofication, bimbofication), or experimenting with different sides of themselves. What matters is that you are actively enjoying (whatever enjoying in this context means to you) what you're wearing, how you're being represented, and what type of submission you are portraying. I personally feel extremely masculine when I submit. I find strength in my submission and am the most in touch with my masculinity when I do so.

Kink can be a great place to break out of societally imposed gender roles and allow oneself to experiment with the gender spectrum. Be careful, as this could easily become trauma play, especially for genderqueer individuals, and make sure you're not fetishizing a community. There are ways to engage in gender expression in your submission without negatively representing marginalized communities.

• I feel the most submissive when I'm in touch with my _____ side.
• When I wear_____, it brings out my submission.
• Gender expression is an important part of my submission:
• Yes
• No
• Other: ____
• Experimenting with gender expression is something that actively brings me submission:
• Yes
• No
• Some ways that submitting can help with my gender dysphoria are:
• I prefer being completely genderless in my submission, and a Dom can help me achieve that by doing:

9. Bratting

Ohh boy, here we go! I'll confess. Bratting is something that scares me (My Dom whipped me into shape with that one)! Yet, I recognize that this is a great way for certain submissives to get into a playful, subby space that Brat Tamers LOVE.

I attended a workshop with my Dominant (Master and slaves' International Online Brat Workshop in 2026) that really helped me understand bratting. When life is super serious, sometimes it's nice to be goofy and break some rules in a contained space. I hope to eventually interview a brat who can describe the feeling of submission in a much better way than I can!

In case we have any kinky newcomers here, bratting is a style of play where the purpose is to disobey or poke at the Dom: saying no to a command, pranking the Dom, and other shenanigans. This requires a lot of communication beforehand as you're actively pushing people to the edge. From what I understand, sometimes the very act of bratting in itself is what gets a submissive feeling subby and playful. Other times, it's the fall AFTER when the Dom finally takes control and pushes them deep down into subspace.

• I enjoy bending the rules my Dom gave me by doing _____.
• When I'm bratting, I feel ______.
• The reaction I like to get out of my Dom is ______.
• I know it's time to stop bratting and check in with my Dom when they_____.

10. Emotions

When we think of kink, most people think of the whips and chains that come along with it. Don't negate the emotional side, as I think it can be even more powerful than a simple flogger. Emotions are an intense part of a dynamic that can really affect a person's submission. Truly consider what emotions you feel during subspace. If your answer is "happy," I implore you to think a little bit harder. There have been times where submission has brought me great happiness… and also sadness, frustration, fear, love, exhaustion, excitement. Submission has brought me to my breaking point and has given me some of the greatest pride in my life. I doubt there is one set emotion that makes you feel submissive. If you're willing to really evaluate your mindset, emotions can be a great tool for understanding what type of submission you can offer depending on how you feel.

• When I feel happy and submissive, I want to _____.
• When I feel sad and submissive, I want to ______.
• When I feel overstimulated and submissive, I want to ____.
• When I feel loved and submissive, I want to _____.

Feel free to insert any emotion that you desire and reflect on how that may impact your submission.

• I struggle to get into subspace when I feel _____.
• I fall into subspace easily when I feel _____.

The previous questions are related to the active state you might be in outside of your subspace. Think of it as your day-to-day emotions that are part of life. Subspace can be used to change your emotional state. The state alone could make a positive impact, or a scene could allow you to release emotions that give you a greatly cathartic experience. Entering that submissive mindspace and kneeling next to your Dom might be the perfect way to relax after a troublesome day. When I'm in a heavy submissive mindset, I tend to feel less worried and overwhelmed because I am not given room to think.

Emotions are a sure way to check in to see if a dynamic is working the way it's currently standing as well.

• When I am in subspace, I mainly feel ____.
• When my Dom and I are doing an intense scene, I mainly feel ____. During aftercare, I feel _____.

If you reflect on this and answer mainly emotions with negative connotations, unless pre-discussed, it might be a good time to check in with your Dom and see what's missing. Conjured negative emotions may be part of your play. But if you find that your answer to "When I am in subspace, I mainly feel…" is a negative emotion, you should talk about that! Your Dominant may not know how you're truly feeling or what's going astray unless you communicate this fact. And, if you answer anything negative and do not feel safe to bring this up with your Dominant at any point, please, check in on the safety of your dynamic.

Finally, a dynamic might purposefully play with the most extreme set of emotions, and this could potentially bring you into a heavy subspace. Fear play, intimidation, and emotional breaking points might bring you deep into your role. As someone who has experimented with fear play, I reach a new level of submission when my Dom and I mess with those emotions, but it cannot always be "on."

• On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the most intense/breaking point), I want my Dom to push me to a:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

• An example of a 10 for me would be: ____.
• When my Dom ____ me, I fall into subspace (example emotions: intimidates, scares, loves, calms).

11. Sexual

You probably saw this one coming (but you might not be)! As a preface, you don't need to feel anything sexual to get into subspace. Some may feel submission through other means and enjoy partaking in sex during this state, and that's totally okay. Submission does not equal sex. I bet there's a good few of you out there who don't partake in sex at all when submitting. Asexual submissives, platonic dynamics, and vanilla sex lives in dynamics are all a thing! So if this doesn't apply to you, that's absolutely okay and does NOT make your dynamic or submission any less valid.

Orientation absolutely affects subspace. You have probably heard of romantic and sexual orientation, but I'd like to introduce you to "kink orientation," as in what gender identities you'd be willing to submit to (even one you might not be attracted to in other circumstances). I'm not here to make you question your sexuality altogether; that's for you to figure out in your own time. If you want some space to jot down any musts or preferences you have in regards to your kink orientation, feel free to list them here. This could include how you feel your submission based on the gender identity of the Dominant.

Okay, now on to sex. Identity is great to know and all, but let's be real: a lot of people find submission when they're horny. Now, I could ask you a slew of questions related to what gets you going and how that affects your subspace, but I feel like you probably have a pretty good idea of that yourself if you are into this "sex stuff." So, I'll keep it brief:

• My Dominant can turn me on in my subspace by _______.
• Here is a fantasy of mine that I would like my Dominant to know about:
• When my Dominant and I do _______ during sex, I feel submissive.
• Sex is an important part of my subspace:

Disagree

Slightly Disagree

Neutral

Slightly Agree

Agree

• I cannot get horny without some level of subspace:

Disagree

Slightly Disagree

Neutral

Slightly Agree

Agree

• The hornier I feel, the more submissive I am:

Disagree

Slightly Disagree

Neutral

Slightly Agree

Agree

ALRIGHT! That's all the categories I could think of, and I'm tired now. I'm sure I've missed something big here or will have a few folks reading this that are like, "what about XYZ?" Please! If I missed anything that you feel is really important for other submissives to reflect on, mention it! There's a comment section down here, and I would LOVE to hear other submissives' thoughts. The moral of this entire questionnaire is that everyone experiences subspace differently, and no amount of categories, questions, or writing can cover everything. For those who are comfortable, share your experiences and thoughts. I cannot begin to explain how helpful hearing from other submissives has been in understanding my own subspace.

Please feel free to use this questionnaire as you please. Share it with your Dom, other submissives, or reflect on it yourself to figure out what you need. This could be a great way to get to know a new play partner and vet compatibility as well.

I really hope this process helped you learn something about yourself or your submission. If not, I hope at the very minimum it affirmed the way you enjoy subspace, opened you up to new ideas, or at least helped you figure out something you wouldn't want to touch with a ten-foot pole.

Over and out.