Reframing Self Care as Submission

Photo by Lumin on Unsplash

I can promise you’re not the only submissive who struggles with self‑care. Whether it’s executive dysfunction, self‑worth issues, or simply a bad day, sometimes you just don’t have the energy to brush your teeth before bed.

There are many resources out there to help with this exact problem. In fact, struggling with self‑care was a constant topic of conversation I brought up with my former therapist. All of these resources and options can be great, and perhaps for most, they are exactly what they need.

But we’re submissives and we can use that to our advantage.

A relationship with a Dominant is something many of us are privileged to have, and while we are there to serve, worship, and love them, we have to remind ourselves our Doms are there for us too.

For most of my life, I have struggled with a very simple task that seems effortless for most people, and that’s taking my medication. For many of us, our medication is vital for daily function. Even though I know my medication is extremely important, I just can’t seem to remember or prioritize this part of my daily routine.

It was a task I was constantly frustrated about forgetting, and one that I would make excuses for over and over again. It was simply a matter of executive dysfunction. That was until my Dominant stepped in.

There are many ways a Dominant may support self‑care for a submissive. Let’s talk about three ways you can introduce self‑care as part of your dynamic.

Method One: A Daily Command

The simplest and most straightforward option is to straight‑up ask your Dominant to remind (command) you. This is a great option for low‑protocol, daily dynamics that don’t require much expectation aside from “I command, you obey.”

It could be a simple command or check‑in for multiple tasks, perhaps a reminder in the morning and at night with a list of instructions that the Dominant gives you:

Morning Routine:

• Wake up, self‑care (brush teeth, wash face)
• Get dressed
• Eat breakfast

This seems extremely basic, but just the expectation from your Dom to do this can provide a lot of internal motivation. Sometimes, this doesn’t cut it, and that’s okay. I’ve had days with anxiety so bad I would feel overwhelmed by vague commands. Perhaps you and your Dom need something more detailed:

Morning Routine:

• Wake up
• Brush your teeth
• Wash your face
• Put toothpaste and toothbrush back
• Get dressed
• Pick out your clothes
• Take off your clothes, put them in the hamper
• Put on your new clothes
• Select a breakfast
• Grab ingredients
• Cook items one at a time
• Grab a plate
• Serve
• Eat

What’s great about this second strategy is that it allows you to shut your brain off and give your Dominant the steering wheel. You can’t overthink — you just do. Sometimes it may even be helpful not to see this entire list and request that your Dom list tasks one at a time, then you check in once the sub‑task has been completed. If you are in person, your Dom can do these tasks alongside you. They can also find other ways to control different aspects of your routine, such as picking out your clothes and deciding what you should eat.

Method Two: Routine Integration

Many submissives, like myself, have a daily routine that their Dominant expects them to follow. Introducing self‑care as part of an already established routine gives the submissive more responsibility while reframing why the self‑care is important.

This method is recommended for submissives who don’t need as much support or daily reminders but still need a bit of a push to remember self‑care.

For me, my nightly routine consists of brushing my teeth, applying skin care, taking my medication, making sure my Master has water and His charger by His bed, kneeling before bed, and repeating a mantra. Now that teeth brushing, skin care, and medication are viewed as acts of service, I have a much easier time remembering to do them. It doesn’t even feel like self‑care anymore, just a habit and routine I do before bed.

Self‑care is also a great way to introduce a daily routine for the first time, since it’s something that should be done daily anyway. Many submissives, especially when entering a new dynamic or a dynamic for the first time, may struggle with starting up a routine. Introducing the routine as a concept that is already familiar to the submissive is a great way to ease into things. Another great aspect of this method is that it’s a more hands‑off approach for the Dominant. It does not require daily check‑ins after a while, and it’s something your Dom will begin to expect out of you over time.

Every once in a while, my Dominant will check in to see if I have been taking my medication or ask about my self‑care routine. This allows for a quick check‑in to see if any corrections need to be made.

The big aspect of Method Two is communication. As a submissive, you should let your Dominant know if you miss a day or are struggling with a task. A slip‑up here and there is normal. We may be slaves, but we are human. However, if the Dominant notices a repeated pattern, perhaps it’s time to check in and revert back to Method One or find another solution that may work for your dynamic.

Method Three: Body Doubling

Also known as Parallel Play.

Submissives aren’t the only ones who struggle with executive dysfunction — dominants absolutely do too. Body doubling is a term used in the neurodivergent community that describes the act of two people doing a similar task at the same time to motivate both parties.

This method requires the most responsibility from the submissive, as you will be the one pushing for self‑care. If your Dom is doubling with you, you have the responsibility to remember and make sure self‑care has been completed.

You can view it as you actively taking care of both yourself AND your Dominant. When you take your medication, you know your Dom does as well. This works great for submissives with a caregiving or protective streak.

For a lighter example, my Master often forgets to drink water. So it has become part of my tasks to check in with His water consumption every once in a while. By reminding my Master to drink water, it gives me a cue to think, “Wait. When was the last time I drank water?” It allows me to do a quick check‑in with myself while serving my Master.

It also doesn’t have to—and shouldn’t—be a threat. It should never be stated in a way that makes you give your Dom an ultimatum. Don’t say “If you don’t eat, I won’t eat.” Phrase it as “Master (or title of choice), we both haven’t eaten yet today. May I please get us both a meal?”

Obviously, that is just an example! Make sure to consult your Dom about phrasing and protocol, and not some random submissive on the internet ;)

For the Doms:

The best way to help a submissive is to set a good example. We look up to you. If you consistently take care of yourself, we will follow your footsteps. That’s what a submissive is for, right? Perhaps this will motivate you to stay on top of your own routine. However…

If you’re a Dom who struggles with self‑care, you can still absolutely use the methods above. Simply reverse the roles. Require that your submissive check in daily with you or perhaps body double and sync up your tasks with theirs.

Another aspect that your submissive can help you with is removing blockers. Perhaps you are good at taking your medication, but you always forget to refill your pill box. Your submissive can do that for you! Maybe you don’t have issues with showering, but wouldn’t it be nicer if your submissive warmed you up a bath, filled with essential oils, and set out all of your products?

Removing blockers and integrating improvements to your self‑care routine can absolutely be part of your submissive’s routine. It’s not all about their well‑being; it’s also about meeting your needs and desires.

Opinion: Avoid Punishment (and Funishment) for This One

Self‑care should come from a place of confidence, self‑love, or at the very minimum, service. I recommend avoiding any disciplinary actions for missing a day of teeth brushing or missing a meal, unless it’s explicitly requested by your submissive. There are several factors that play into struggling with self‑care, but a very common one is a sense of self‑worth.

Therefore, I suggest not linking self‑care with the threat of punishment, even if it is “funishment.” Self‑care requires patience, understanding, and a lot of practice. As someone with a guilt complex, if I knew my Master would be angry at me or a consequence would be coming my way if I forgot a step of my self‑care routine, I’d do the routine out of stress, fear, or guilt. These are not the associations you want a submissive to have in relation to self‑care.

Thought Reframing

Whether you choose to implement Daily Check‑ins, Routine Integration, Body Doubling, or a combination, here’s a reframing exercise that helped me the most:

“Self‑care is an act of service. I belong to my Master, therefore, taking care of myself is taking care of Master’s property.”

I have a pretty intense dynamic with my Master, so you may want to rephrase this mantra to align with your dynamic and your own submission. However, the general gist remains. By separating self‑care as something I need to do for myself and associating it with doing something for my Master, I stopped overthinking it. Making self‑care an act of worship immediately improved my consistency and willingness.

So, the next time you don’t want to take your meds, change your clothes, or eat a meal… remember that you are cared for by your Dom, and self‑care is an act of worship.