There’s a Time and Place to Disobey: How to Disagree With Your Dom

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You’re going to fight with your Dom. We are all humans with our own opinions, emotions, and reactions. As much as a perfectly crafted submissive without a thought is appealing, you’re going to eventually run into a hiccup.

Sometimes, it’s completely warranted. Perhaps your Dom genuinely did something remarkably shitty. Maybe they are just flat out wrong or are making a decision that is dangerous. As much as we subs like to view our Doms as perfect, they will absolutely make mistakes too, and it’s important that we call them out on their mess-ups.

Other times, there is no point in arguing back and forth. This mainly applies to those in a M/s dynamics like I, so if this doesn’t feel like your thing, do disregard it. However, in my dynamic, my goal is to defer to my Master’s preferences as much as I can. So if the ‘issue’ is about what we’re having for dinner and I only have a slight preference, I let it go.

This article is especially for those who especially wish for a similar arrangement where you set your ego aside, humble up, and still learn when it’s okay to tell your Dom you disagree. The answer is you probably don’t have to do as much as you think you do.

There’s a five-step process here to adequately communicate disagreement with our Dominants, and each stage is marked by a question. I have nicknamed it “EDI - IDE” Or “Emergency, Disagreement, Importance, Intelligent Disobedience, Expression.”

1. Emergency: Is it an emergency?
2. Disagreement: What are we disagreeing about?
3. Importance: Is it important for me to express that I disagree with them?
4. Intelligent Disobedience: Do I think disagreeing/disobeying will be better in the long run?
5. Expression: How can I respectfully voice my disagreement to my Dom?

I’m a sub who, in the past, has had anger and frustration issues. So if you’re anything like me, it may take some time to be able to regulate and ask yourself these questions. Before we dive into each question, let’s talk about how we can get ourselves to a state where we can introspect.

It feels good to be right.

Especially when you know you’re right. There’s a sense of pride that washes through you whenever proven correct. Or it could be the exact opposite. If you are right and someone disagrees with you, maybe you feel like you’re not being listened to. It could even be that the tiny voice in the back of your brain is devaluing them. It can be hard, no matter who the person is, to voice your opinion and stand your ground. Especially for us subs who might tend to want to give in. Before you get into the four questions that you should ask yourself when disagreeing with your Dom, let’s go through a few points and some reassurance.

Your pride should come through your submission. If you correct your Dom or share an opinion that they end up swaying towards, keep your high in check. The point of this conversation is not to “be better” than your Dom or stroke your ego. It’s to teach them something and share a different perspective. If you’re in a lifestyle dynamic, remember your place. When you are right, say something along the lines of “Thank you for hearing me out and allowing me to assist you.” It’s always a great way to ground yourself in your submission. Whenever your Dom does agree that you were right, it gives them a safe space to be wrong and reminds them that even if you correct them, you still look up to them. Don’t gloat in their face about the disagreement.

Secondly, address any feelings that lead you to believe you are not being listened to with your Dom in a later conversation. There is a difference between a Dominant shutting you down as a command and you feeling unheard. If it’s the latter, it’s good to bring up these feelings when you’re in cool waters again, or asking for a minute to calm down, rather than ‘snapping’. This applies to Dominants as well. When it comes to training, it’s good practice to ask yourself why your Dominant may be disagreeing with you or commanding you to do something a certain way, even if you disagree. There may be something they want out of you that you’re not getting.

Efficiency isn’t everything

Let’s take a random example here of efficiency vs sentiment. Let’s say your Dom requests that you make a meal. You begin getting all of your ingredients ready and start peeling the vegetables in bulk. Your Dom comes in and tells you, “I want you to peel a vegetable, then rinse, then chop it. One by one.” You know that’s not a great way to go about it, and you try to explain that to your Dom. Instead, they tell you to quiet down and do it their way. You get frustrated and want to explain why this is a bad idea. Yet, being a good submissive, you do it the way your Dom asks. You don’t feel listened to, but you continue — you peel, chop, and rinse each vegetable in that order. It takes you quite a bit longer, but in the end, your Dominant is very pleased with your meal.

Your Dom then expresses the real reason why they wanted you to do each vegetable individually. They explain to you that it’s because you were rushing the steps. You were focused on getting the bulk of the vegetables done rather than concentrating on each individual one. Because of that, you were sloppily chopping, and the pieces were coming out unevenly. That would have been harder to cook, leading to more frustration from you and a worse meal in the long run. Since you put your opinion aside and listened to your Dom, the meal turned out great, and all the vegetables were chopped evenly.

Efficiency isn’t everything when it comes to being a good submissive. Your Dom might have just wanted to test your listening skills and improve your ability to adapt. If your dynamic is 24/7, it doesn’t have to be this big, complex reason. The command your Dom gives you might just simply be that — a command they want you to follow. If you always try to do everything efficiently, you’re not truly considering what your Dom wants from you at that moment.

So remind yourself to let go of your pride, make sure you’re listening to what your Dom truly wants, and communicate if you don’t feel seen. It’s always perfectly fine to suggest an alternative, but if that’s not the way your Dom wants you to go about it (and you have consensually, enthusiastically agreed to let go of that agency)? Then that’s not the way to do it.

Once you learn how to regulate through those few thoughts, we can go through our questions again.

EDI - IDE

1. EMERGENCY - Is it an emergency?

Safety comes first. If obeying your Dom despite disagreeing puts your Dom, yourself, or someone else in danger, you need to say something. Protocol isn’t as important as someone’s well-being.

If you and your Dominant are skydiving, and your Dominant tells you to jump out of the plane immediately without a parachute… uh yeah. Don’t fucking jump.

Let’s take a more practical example, since that won’t likely happen. If your Dom tells you to change the radio in the car while you’re driving during a horrible thunderstorm, this would be a good time to tell your Dominant no.

2. DISAGREEMENT - What are we disagreeing about?

Now that you have confirmed that the situation is safe, it’s time to really concentrate on what it is you’re disagreeing about. Sometimes, you may think you’re disagreeing about something really small. In reality, it could be a small moment of a bigger, underlying issue. Get to the bottom of it. Ask for a few minutes to think if you need to.

3. IMPORTANCE - Is it important that I express that I disagree with them?

Now that you’ve asked for that chunk of time, it’s time for the hardest part — introspection. This is where you need to remind yourself to let go of your pride, make sure you are listening, and make sure you feel heard in general. Is it important to express my disagreement? Most of the time, for me, no, it really doesn’t matter. How does it work for you? You like it when the shirts are stored in the top drawer, but your Dom prefers them stored on the bottom? This might be a good moment to just listen to your Dom. A mild inconvenience to you could be another way to satisfy your Dom. If that’s how your dynamic is set up, then that’s what matters.

Ready for some subquestions (ha)? Here are some MORE questions you can ask yourself to see if it’s important to bring up your disagreement:

1. Is a boundary being pushed that I am not comfortable with? If yes, bring it up.
2. By shutting up, am I compromising my morals? If yes, bring it up.
3. Is it a legitimate fact that I know my Dom is wrong about? If yes, bring it up.
4. Do I think my way is the right way, but both are functional? Obey.
5. Do I know I’m in the wrong, but I want to keep arguing because I don’t want to feel I “lost”? Obey.
6. Is it such a minuscule topic that it really doesn’t matter who is right or wrong? Obey.

At the end of the day, if it’s really not a big deal and doesn’t impact you or your Dom by agreeing, just obey.

4. INTELLIGENT DISOBEDIENCE - Do I think disobeying them will be better in the long run?

Have you ever heard of “intelligent disobedience"? Funnily enough, it’s a term used with service dogs. It describes a situation where the owner gives a service dog a command that actively harms the owner, prompting the dog to disobey and ensure the owner's safety. An example of this may be a blind person telling a dog to step forward on a busy street when they think it’s clear, but the dog doesn’t because the owner may get hit by a car.

We can take this idea and apply it to our Doms. Obviously, if your answer to question 1 is “Yes, it is an emergency,” then you should clearly speak up, clearly safeword and refuse to obey, and shouldn’t even be at this question. That is a form of intelligent disobedience in submissives.

So why is this question all the way down here? Because there may be times when you know what you need to obey by disobeying. I do not recommend doing this unless you have served your Dom for a while and understand them on a very deep level. At this point, you should be at proactive obedience before you even attempt intelligent disobedience.

Let’s say part of your servitude towards your Dom is that you make them a cup of tea every morning to start the day. This has been your ritual for years. One night, your Dom tells you not to make them a cup of tea in the morning, because they just don’t feel like it.

So, instead, you do your morning ritual as normal. You get up, make some tea, keep it warm in the pot, and now you go to wake up your Dom. Your Dom voices that they changed their mind and feel funny without that morning cup. So now, you can reveal that you have already made some and can swiftly serve it to them. The worst-case scenario is that you wasted some tea (or you now have a cup of tea), but you knew your Dom well enough to know they’d probably want the tea anyway.

This step is something to communicate with your Dom heavily about before you start. They may take you making the tea anyway as a sign of disobedience or distrust. When it comes down to it, it wouldn’t have been that difficult to just make the tea when they asked in the morning.

5. EXPRESSION - How can I respectfully voice my disagreement to my Dom?

Earlier in this article, I mentioned that most of the time, for me, it’s best not to voice disagreement when it's irrelevant. But for those of you who do wish to, even if it’s something small — if you bring up your disagreement in a way that still shows your submission, (good) Dominants will listen.
Let’s go back to that chopping vegetables scenario — you’re cutting in bulk, your Dom commands you to chop one by one. What can you say to get your point across?
Ask for permission to speak. The easiest way to show your Dominant that you still know your place is by not blurting out your disagreement, but coming from a place of obedience. Remind them that they’re in control:
May I please be allowed to share my thoughts?
Or
May I have permission to ask a question please?

By keeping my tone and phrasing in check, I have never had my Master refuse to let me ask, unless we were explicitly carrying out high-protocol obedience training. Just remember, M/s folks, your Dom can still say no to your request, and you must be prepared to carry on as they wish.

A quick note to Doms: when a submissive asks for permission to share a thought or ask a question, it is a great time for reassurance and praise upon denial. Knowing we did a good job by asking and that we were still heard, even if not literally, does a lot for our frustration levels. Saying something along the lines of “I know you have questions, but I want you to focus on the task at hand and do as I say” can offer a lot of reassurance. Even easy praise such as “Your tone was sweet there, but no. Obey.” will put us at ease.

If they do give you permission to speak, keep your tone soft, your head low, (unless your Dom wants something else, I wouldn’t know) and use terminology that reminds both parties who is in charge. Don’t start with “Why are you making me chop vegetables this way?” Ask permission throughout. Ask: “May I please ask why you are requesting that I chop them in this way, (title)?”

This shows your Dom that you’re coming from a place of genuine confusion, not of disobedience or annoyance. Let’s run through how you can share your opinion about vegetable chopping, too:

Don’t say “My way of chopping vegetables is much more efficient. I know your way would take me longer, be more frustrating, and isn’t as good as the way I’m doing it.”

This comes off as controlling and demeaning, making it seem like you already know better. Let’s take a look at a better way to express disagreement with your Dom:

“(Title), I believe that the way I’m currently chopping vegetables is more practical because I can do every step in bulk, making each process go smoother since I can get into a flow. I am concerned that the method you are suggesting will take me much longer, and I’d like to be done sooner. Is there a reason you would prefer I do each step for each vegetable individually?”

Wordy, huh? But that’s okay. By doing this method instead, you are addressing your Dom by title first, showing you know your place. You also aren’t claiming there is a “my way” and “your way” establishing that there isn’t a fight for control in the conversation. You are explaining why you feel the current method you are using is better, and expressing concerns about the method they are suggesting. This allows your Dom to understand your thinking and can potentially give them information they haven’t thought of before. Finally, you’re asking for clarification, which proves where the struggle may truly be and can assist your Dom in explaining their reasoning back to you.

As I mentioned before, depending on your dynamic, your Dom may not owe you any of this. You could have perfect tone, the best phrasing, and they still can say no and to quiet down and listen. This isn’t a strategy to get your way, it’s a strategy to keep everyone at ease and remind you and the Dominant who is in control.

Closing Thoughts

Now, this process is a long one that’s filled with a lot of thinking and introspection. If you’re an easily frustrated person or very opinionated, going through each part of the EDI - IDE Acronym isn’t going to be easy. That’s the beauty of this process, though — you don’t have to go through every single step.

When you’re just starting at and are working on frustration and disagreement control — just do EE - Emergency and Expression. Make sure you’re safe, and then follow that up by expressing your opinion or a question in a pleasing tone to your Dom. You can remove parts of the acronym and customize it as you wish. This is just a tool for you to use when speaking to your Dom. You don’t have to use any of this, I ain’t your Dom, I’m not telling you what to do.

Hear me out — send this article to your Dom too. Wait, wait, wait. Obviously we’re not getting paid, we don’t collect cookies, and do you see any ads? Nope, That’s what I thought. When I say send this article, I genuinely mean it for your benefit. Have a conversation about this with your Dom and tell your Dom you’d like to try this. As you work through your ego and take these steps — request patience. With evidence that you’re applying these skills, your Dom may be more understanding and will give you space to think. There is nothing wrong with asking for a moment to think from your Dom.

So what does this all boil down to? You may be shocked to hear that it’s really just communication. Know your place, try the EDI - IDE questions, and play safe.