You Will Never Be The Perfect Submissive—And it's Okay

Photo by Anastase Maragos on Unsplash

“I’m a perfectionist” is how a lot of submissives would describe themselves. Submissives in the kink community oftentimes put their value and self-worth on how they can please a Dominant. While this can lead to great pride, joy, and confidence when a submissive does well, it can also completely come to a crash if you place all of your worth on your performance. I would know, as I had a complete ego crash when I realized I would never fulfill every one of my Master’s needs absolutely perfectly at my first try.

We, as submissives, have a tendency to objectify ourselves. When I serve my Master, I like to see myself as a completely brainless, obedient slave. A well-oiled machine ready to complete a command as soon as it’s given. It’s almost nice, in a way, to put my humanity aside, forget the social pressures and expectations, and have one sole focus: serving my Master. This mindset is one some submissives share, and perhaps you can relate to yourself.

It may be easy for some to turn off this external expectation society throws on us and just exist in our servitude nature, but it’s much harder to get that internal pressure to stop creeping at our conscience’s doorway.

You probably have heard the phrase “an artist is their own worst critic.” That is true for us submissives as well, but most of the time, we don’t feel that way. For us, we give our all and expose the deepest part of ourselves to our Dominant. So when the inevitable happens and we make a mistake, we project our insecurity onto our Doms. **I’m using “we” here, but this is my own experience. I’m assuming many of you may relate.

It’s a back-and-forth battle for us; wanting our dominants to raise the bar of our success, push us, but in return, we constantly worry about every intricate detail of our submission. I nitpick myself to death. If my Master corrects my tone, I’m assuming He’s nitpicking me to death as well. I will obsess over every sentence afterwards, stressing myself out and making my tone even less satisfactory than it was before.

As the title says, you may be a damn good submissive, but you’ll never be this “perfect” submissive you set yourself to be. So, what can we do? How do we get out of this endless cycle of being frustrated at ourselves?

Stop projecting, dude.

I can almost guarantee that your Dom is NOT thinking this way. Sure, they may be psychoanalyzing you, watching your movements, but they will not obsess over your mistakes the way you do. They see it as a slight bump in the road, so stop turning it into a four-lane highway crash pile-up. Nothing is on fire, everything is okay, no one will explode. Don’t forget that you can always check in with your Dominant to see if they’re truly that upset. That said, if you have good communication with your Dom (which you SHOULD), they’ll let you know if there’s a bigger issue to address.

Perfectionist Thoughts Serve No Purpose.

The blunt answer is that these thoughts get in the way of your submission. If you focus too much on your mistakes, that means you’re not giving your full attention to your Dominant. There is a coping skill used in DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) called “Ride the Wave.” In simple terms, this skill is all about letting those thoughts pass on their own. You may be experiencing them right now and perhaps for a few days. But eventually, just like anything, they’ll pass. Instead of trying to push them away, try your best to accept them as they are, and allow yourself to feel and process in the background. Don’t obsess, don’t overthink, just exist with them.

Now, this is a skill that takes years of practice, and isn’t always a viable solution, especially if your perfectionistic thoughts can become obsessive, as mine can, so let’s move on to the next reframe.

Remember who you serve.

You serve your Dominant, not your thoughts. Your Dominant will tell you if you should think about something and address a problem or if it’s time to move on to the next task. It may be helpful to lean into the thought that your own expectations don’t matter; it’s your Dom’s that do.

For me, the easiest solution is to turn my brain off and let my Master redirect me. It’s a way to remind myself that at this moment, the only standards I have to meet are my Master’s. Objectification really helps me cope with separating my mind from my body. Seeing myself as an extension of my Master’s will, or even His property, allows me to forget my own internal negative thoughts and focus on His command.

A mantra my Master has taught me that I shall share is the following: “Nothing else matters. No one else matters. Thoughts don’t matter. Master knows better.” This is a phrase I have been made to say over and over, and it has been played for me in conditioning audio loops. Short, simple, yet it reminds me not to give in to my intrusive thoughts or worries about others.

Sometimes it boils down to a quick correction He makes, and I obsess over getting it right next time. Especially if it’s something He’s corrected me on before. But we’re not robots. We'll make the same mistake more than once. Great Doms recognize human error and do not grow impatient as a submissive is learning. We all grow at different speeds and will have moments of relapse, and a Dominant will recognize that. So this alternative doesn’t suggest you “ride” through those thoughts, but let your Dom control the tide for you.

Ask to be put in your place.

Sometimes we don’t yet have the skills to drive those thoughts out. They can cloud your mind, strip you away from service, and cause disobedience in a way you never thought you would. You become so focused on becoming a perfect submissive that it drags you away further from your Dom’s actual will. For certain dynamics, this may be where your Dom comes in and reminds you where you belong.

Being put down in a subspace should never be correlated with shame, unless otherwise discussed. You don’t want to be down because of guilt, and the main emotion should not be fear in the long term. My Master puts me down in several ways—through mantras, hypnosis, physically grabbing me, shoving me against him… There are many ways to make a sub feel their subspace without it feeling like a punishment. In fact, I usually take face smothering as a reward, so associating my subspace and reminding myself to be in it is a pleasurable yet humiliating way to do so.

Your brain might just need a quick reset, a snap out of the thought spiral, and your Dom can help you get there… Even if it is with a little bit of force.

Advice for the Doms

A Reminder. We’re not trying to disobey you. Our perfectionist tendencies come from a place of servitude. We want to accomplish every task swiftly without you lifting a finger… Yet, sometimes ego gets in the way of our connection. I’m sure for Doms, it can be frustrating to see your submissive set expectations for themselves that you are not placing upon them. It can make you feel out of control, and perhaps even disrespected. I promise this is not our intention, and we just need a little guidance.

Stay firm, steady, but patient.

Constantly reminding yourself and us that you’re the one in charge, not these thoughts, helps us feel that someone has a handle on the situation. Even if we feel we don’t.

Reassurance is key.

If we have a spiral about perfectionism, we are in need of external validation because we can’t convince ourselves we’re enough. Gentle reassurance through the process and reminding us that we are still worthy of serving can significantly calm down a submissive. Stability is absolute.

Be honest when we mess up.

Don’t brush it under the rug and pretend like it’s okay. Perfectionist submissives can see that bullsh*t from a mile away. If we mess up, tell us, but make sure we don’t obsess. At the end of the day, our goal is to serve you. Knowing you will tell us when we need to improve helps us avoid the constant watch we keep on ourselves. This is a long-term solution that will require reframing on the submissive's part to, over time, trust that you will call them out as needed.

You might already see your sub as perfect.

I don’t mean flawless… But you might look down at your sub kneeling, and see the perfection in how you shaped them, the perfection in their bruises from sessions, or in their tears from release. You don’t need them to be robotic, as their human nature, their mistakes, and their will to obey are what make them perfect to you. Your definition of perfection is what matters. Not your submissives. Remind them of the difference and hold on to your own definition. You make the rules around here after all.

The goal is to wean your submissive off the corrections and reassurance. Eventually, they should catch on to their mistakes and be able to reassure themselves. Hopefully, the thoughts minimize, if not disappear altogether. If you are reassuring your submissive about the same topic over and over again, the next time, don’t offer that reassurance right away and see how they react. Maybe at that point, they’ll shakily talk themselves through it. Positively reinforce that behavior, and they’ll do it more confidently each time. Subtract a little more until they can process that thought by themselves.

There may be some frustration on both sides, and eventually, the submissive should reach a point where they can call out a mistake they made and correct it without lasting negative effects.

A perfectionist slave can be fantastic because they want high expectations and are ready to fulfill the will of the Dominant. But it will require patience from both parties to get to the point where you, as the submissive, can be self-reliant. At the end of the day, a Dominant isn’t looking for perfection. They’re looking for someone who can grow, adapt, and overcome adversity. Even if that’s in the submissive's own mind.

So the TLDR? Stop trying to be perfect and follow your Dom’s lead. They’ll guide you into their definition of perfection—and that’s the only definition that truly matters.